Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Return of the J

Just when we thought our well of Highpocrisy would dry up after S.C. gov Mark Sanford's "hiking" trip last month, along comes the resident Republican batshade standard-bearer herself, the 'thrilla from Wasilla', with her dress for the press, and on the Friday of the Independence Day weekend, no less (shout-out, Dr. Seuss). Has Countdown taken all the good puns ['Iquitarod' was an instant classic]? We hope not, because here J revives some long-dormant, never before posted quips of his own (and the classics never die). Regardless of whether you believe the Tina Fey wanna-be is going to the talk show circuit, the courtroom, a padded cell or her next helicopter ride up to shoot wolves on her way to Michael Jackson's funeral, J cautions you to be ever-vigilant:

"Countdown has used the 'Palin-tology' graphic before. Sounds remarkably close to paleontology, which is the point of course. If you believe what the soon-to-be former Mrs. Governor of AK believes, there would be no such thing as paleontology. Or, at the very least, she would have you believe that paleontologists, professional wrestlers and celebrity psychics are all cut from the same cloth. And speaking of her cloth... does she still believe that witches and demons walk among us and must be purged from our souls? Hi Memory Lane, it's me, Trip, wanna take a walk?

Sarah Palin supposedly thought it was fine that her aides ignored subpoenas during Trooper-gate. Remember she wanted to bill (did?) rape victims for their medical kits? Foreign policy experience meant seeing a sliver of Russia from her house. Obama's there now. Can she see him waving to her? Does she still think the Founding Fathers were omitting a few powers from the Constitution that only the Vice-President had or knew about 230 years later? Highpocrisy HOF'er on the issue of a woman's right to choose. Downright Bushian in her ability to remain unencumbered by syntax, grammar or the modern English language. You betcha! Quick brain teaser: which was the more rambling, incoherent episode between her VP debate or last Friday's press conference? Trick question, because the answer is, both were G-d's will.

Now it's time for J's blatant rip-off of a top 10 list of reasons why McCain picked her in the 1st place:

10 - Nobody else would
9 - Alaska is the only state where McGeezer didn't have a house
8 - Mcgramps wanted to see the Northern lights for real, not just in his nightmare 'Nam flashbacks
7 - Lost his bet with Phil Gramm that he couldn't find anyone worse than Dan Quayle
6 - Alternative to Viagra
5 - Thought "field dressing a moose" meant something else
4 - Hillary said no
3 - Promised Pat Buchanan he'd pick a running mate who could give him a woodie
2 - Found his intellectual soul-mate
1 - Hoping for a 3-way with Cindy"

Wind J up, watch him unleash the pent-up fury. He's baaaack, and he's brought hell with him.