Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Morning Joe for the colon blow!

Every morning while I’m getting ready for work, I turn on those morning buffoons from MSNBC……they are just so darn entertaining. If your regular cup of “morning Joe” isn’t enough to kick-start your system and keep you ….well…. regular, then you should really power up the boob tube and tune into some super duper high intensity, fast acting, fiber rich laxative from the likes of Mika, Willie, Joe, Pat and Mike. Wow, just typing their names makes my sphincter pucker uncontrollably. Remember the old SNL commercial for “Colon Blow” cereal? [Gotta love Phil Hartman......“How many bowls of your cereal would it take to equal the fiber content in new Colon Blow Cereal? ....... It would take over 30,000 bowls ...... With new Super Colon Blow, it would take 2 million bowls”]. Well, unless you’ve seen “Scarborough’s Appalachian Country Fair” lately, you don’t know what diarrhea is! Mika Brzezinski is just like that innocent, little wet fart that precedes the gargantuan dump. You’re never quite sure whether it’s a harmless little squeak or whether that seemingly innocent little blurt is going to let go and bury the audience in an avalanche of hazardous, republican, fecal matter…..she is so vacuously cute, like the Energizer Bunny, desperately trying to contribute anything remotely interesting to the conversation. Just above Mika on the “Morning Joe Doo Doo scale” is the show’s resident spontaneous farter, Wee Willie Geist. You never know what is going to come out of him or when. Non sequitur, lame attempt at a joke or steaming pile of dog squeeze……..he is our adorable little Mr. poopy-pants! Then there’s Pat “Mt. Vitruvius” Buchanan……who could blow at any second. He is the old, constipated, isolationist who hasn’t laid a smooth tread in over a month. Old people are just so darn cute…..but beware, he is just one really good broccoli fart away from covering the entire set, knee deep in his conservative “ma-caca”. And Mike Barnicle……poor, sensitive, Mike Barnicle….accomplished print journalist trying desperately to make the jump to TV while hiding the giant load in his pants from his uncontrollable, high-fiber diet binges. Mike wants to be a good guy and at times he shows signs of wanting to use the potty with the rest of the big boys……but alas, Joe or Pat says something that “moves” him or he catches a whiff of Peggy Noonan’s rank perfume and he can’t help but soil his pants yet again! And how about our fearless leader………..backwoods, banjo playing, freak-on-a-bridge from Deliverance, Joe, “the equal opportunity critic” Scarborough. This guy is such a turd……a living, speaking, walking but barely thinking piece of pure unadulterated excrement! He is our own adorable and retarded version of Mr. Hankey. This morning was just so…..so……so…….cleansing. When vaunted financial analyst Jim “Mad Money – thyroid case” Cramer and Joe Blow-hard started whining about Jon Stewart and the Daily Show I could feel a classic Morning Joe bowel movement “brewing”. Scar-blow actually had the audacity to call Jon Stewart an ideologue and challenged him to appear on “Morning Joe” and explain to the viewers his solution for the economic recovery. These “shit-for-brains” morons appear everyday on TV talking about how Obama is failing to deliver on his promises and how his decisions have caused the worst economy since the great depression! The man has been president for 2 months! It took Bush 8 years to flush this country down the economic, human rights, foreign affairs, health care and education toilet and these freakin hemorrhoids expect things to get better in 2 months! MSNBC needs to install a giant bidet and blast these dingleberries right off the air. Now that was a satisfying dump.

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