Return of the J

Just when we thought our well of Highpocrisy would dry up after S.C. gov Mark Sanford's "hiking" trip last month, along comes the resident Republican batshade standard-bearer herself, the 'thrilla from Wasilla', with her dress for the press, and on the Friday of the Independence Day weekend, no less (shout-out, Dr. Seuss). Has Countdown taken all the good puns ['Iquitarod' was an instant classic]? We hope not, because here J revives some long-dormant, never before posted quips of his own (and the classics never die). Regardless of whether you believe the Tina Fey wanna-be is going to the talk show circuit, the courtroom, a padded cell or her next helicopter ride up to shoot wolves on her way to Michael Jackson's funeral, J cautions you to be ever-vigilant:



"Countdown has used the 'Palin-tology' graphic before. Sounds remarkably close to paleontology, which is the point of course. If you believe what the soon-to-be former Mrs. Governor of AK believes, there would be no such thing as paleontology. Or, at the very least, she would have you believe that paleontologists, professional wrestlers and celebrity psychics are all cut from the same cloth. And speaking of her cloth... does she still believe that witches and demons walk among us and must be purged from our souls? Hi Memory Lane, it's me, Trip, wanna take a walk?


Sarah Palin supposedly thought it was fine that her aides ignored subpoenas during Trooper-gate. Remember she wanted to bill (did?) rape victims for their medical kits? Foreign policy experience meant seeing a sliver of Russia from her house. Obama's there now. Can she see him waving to her? Does she still think the Founding Fathers were omitting a few powers from the Constitution that only the Vice-President had or knew about 230 years later? Highpocrisy HOF'er on the issue of a woman's right to choose. Downright Bushian in her ability to remain unencumbered by syntax, grammar or the modern English language. You betcha! Quick brain teaser: which was the more rambling, incoherent episode between her VP debate or last Friday's press conference? Trick question, because the answer is, both were G-d's will.


Now it's time for J's blatant rip-off of a top 10 list of reasons why McCain picked her in the 1st place:

10 - Nobody else would
9 - Alaska is the only state where McGeezer didn't have a house
8 - Mcgramps wanted to see the Northern lights for real, not just in his nightmare 'Nam flashbacks
7 - Lost his bet with Phil Gramm that he couldn't find anyone worse than Dan Quayle
6 - Alternative to Viagra
5 - Thought "field dressing a moose" meant something else
4 - Hillary said no
3 - Promised Pat Buchanan he'd pick a running mate who could give him a woodie
2 - Found his intellectual soul-mate
and
1 - Hoping for a 3-way with Cindy"


Wind J up, watch him unleash the pent-up fury. He's baaaack, and he's brought hell with him.

Spawn but not forgotten

No, we have not forgotten about our little blog of heaven. But yes, we have dropped someone's ball in not updating since end of March. We've missed a lot. Meant to write about Gov. Rick Perry's secessionist nonsense. Still might. Gotta catch up on all the hypocritical goings-on, but life has found a way to keep J and Rollah busy. More to follow because HIGHpocrisy never stops.

NAILed it !

As in, "nail in the coffin" of this country. I wish there was a way that Matt Taibbi could explain as forcefully what the frikk we're supposed to do now. You'll have plenty of time to read this long piece, meandering amid the ruins of what was once a god-fearing, hard-working upstart nation. But if you don't survive the impending doomsday, here's a short excerpt to drive that final nail home:

That roll of the eyes is a key part of the psychology of Paulsonism. The state is now being asked not just to call off its regulators or give tax breaks or funnel a few contracts to connected companies; it is intervening directly in the economy, for the sole purpose of preserving the influence of the megafirms. In essence, Paulson used the bailout to transform the government into a giant bureaucracy of entitled assholedom, one that would socialize "toxic" risks but keep both the profits and the management
of the bailed-out firms in private hands. Moreover, this whole process would be done in secret, away from the prying eyes of NASCAR dads, broke-ass liberals who read translations of French novels, subprime mortgage holders and other such financial losers.

Morning Joe for the colon blow!

Every morning while I’m getting ready for work, I turn on those morning buffoons from MSNBC……they are just so darn entertaining. If your regular cup of “morning Joe” isn’t enough to kick-start your system and keep you ….well…. regular, then you should really power up the boob tube and tune into some super duper high intensity, fast acting, fiber rich laxative from the likes of Mika, Willie, Joe, Pat and Mike. Wow, just typing their names makes my sphincter pucker uncontrollably. Remember the old SNL commercial for “Colon Blow” cereal? [Gotta love Phil Hartman......“How many bowls of your cereal would it take to equal the fiber content in new Colon Blow Cereal? ....... It would take over 30,000 bowls ...... With new Super Colon Blow, it would take 2 million bowls”]. Well, unless you’ve seen “Scarborough’s Appalachian Country Fair” lately, you don’t know what diarrhea is! Mika Brzezinski is just like that innocent, little wet fart that precedes the gargantuan dump. You’re never quite sure whether it’s a harmless little squeak or whether that seemingly innocent little blurt is going to let go and bury the audience in an avalanche of hazardous, republican, fecal matter…..she is so vacuously cute, like the Energizer Bunny, desperately trying to contribute anything remotely interesting to the conversation. Just above Mika on the “Morning Joe Doo Doo scale” is the show’s resident spontaneous farter, Wee Willie Geist. You never know what is going to come out of him or when. Non sequitur, lame attempt at a joke or steaming pile of dog squeeze……..he is our adorable little Mr. poopy-pants! Then there’s Pat “Mt. Vitruvius” Buchanan……who could blow at any second. He is the old, constipated, isolationist who hasn’t laid a smooth tread in over a month. Old people are just so darn cute…..but beware, he is just one really good broccoli fart away from covering the entire set, knee deep in his conservative “ma-caca”. And Mike Barnicle……poor, sensitive, Mike Barnicle….accomplished print journalist trying desperately to make the jump to TV while hiding the giant load in his pants from his uncontrollable, high-fiber diet binges. Mike wants to be a good guy and at times he shows signs of wanting to use the potty with the rest of the big boys……but alas, Joe or Pat says something that “moves” him or he catches a whiff of Peggy Noonan’s rank perfume and he can’t help but soil his pants yet again! And how about our fearless leader………..backwoods, banjo playing, freak-on-a-bridge from Deliverance, Joe, “the equal opportunity critic” Scarborough. This guy is such a turd……a living, speaking, walking but barely thinking piece of pure unadulterated excrement! He is our own adorable and retarded version of Mr. Hankey. This morning was just so…..so……so…….cleansing. When vaunted financial analyst Jim “Mad Money – thyroid case” Cramer and Joe Blow-hard started whining about Jon Stewart and the Daily Show I could feel a classic Morning Joe bowel movement “brewing”. Scar-blow actually had the audacity to call Jon Stewart an ideologue and challenged him to appear on “Morning Joe” and explain to the viewers his solution for the economic recovery. These “shit-for-brains” morons appear everyday on TV talking about how Obama is failing to deliver on his promises and how his decisions have caused the worst economy since the great depression! The man has been president for 2 months! It took Bush 8 years to flush this country down the economic, human rights, foreign affairs, health care and education toilet and these freakin hemorrhoids expect things to get better in 2 months! MSNBC needs to install a giant bidet and blast these dingleberries right off the air. Now that was a satisfying dump.
-J

they're not booing, they're saying yooooooooo

I never doubted that my sublime name-calling could be outdone: use the link on the right and read The Rude Pundit's posts from yesterday and today. Thank goodness I couldn't get in to Boalt; it saved me the trauma of being more ashamed 20 years later now that the school employs this batshade POS.

Em-'bear'-assing level of batshade

As Cal grads, J and not so silent Rollah respectfully urge Boalt Hall School of Law to summarily dismiss the batshade nutbar disguising himself as a 'law professor'. Any institution of higher learning (esp. ours) should be ashamed for employing anyone who could spit on the U.S. Constitution like this: The country, he argued, was in a "state of armed conflict." The scale of violence, he argued, was unprecedented and "legal and constitutional rules" governing law enforcement—such as the Fourth Amendment prohibition on "unreasonable" searches and seizures—did not apply.

I'm no legal scholar, but I can parse a sentence. The 'country' was not in a state of armed conflict. We were attacked, but Yoo's boss sat and read a kiddie book for 7 minutes, and then told everyone soon thereafter to go shopping. What was the scale of violence compared to the 4250+ U.S. dead, thousands wounded, maybe hundreds of thousands Iraqi civilians dead, 2 million+ refugees since then? That's not teaching we can believe in. I can see Stanford bringing Rummy to the Farm, Condi was already there for a loooong time. But et tu, Boalt?

For more on that sorry excuse for a lawyer, read the Newsweek article, here.

misrememberin' ?

I must not have heard this right: the 30-something-year-old governor of the state devastated by Katrina claiming that because the Federal gov't failed massively on the watch of the worst president ever (R), that we don't need no stinkin gov't now under Obama (D) to help with anything?
J, is that batshade enough for ya?

Update: thanks for commenting, J. As if to prove your point ...